“Am I Enough?”
"Am I enough?" This's what men think when our father isn't around. When we grow up without him. When our father is "Remote." Either he's not around because he's away working.
He was never around PERIOD.
Or he divorced our mother and left the family.
I know how this feels as I experienced all 3.
Thanks be to God, I had a step-father who did his best.
But it wasn't the same.
My soul yearned for my father.
So where does this thought of "being enough" come from? Before I give you my thoughts, a quick story. When the pandemic hit I had a long time customer request to cancel to "social distance."
We presented them with the cancelation process. All we asked for was a 30 day notice with no additional fee (standard procedure for our cancelation policy).
They flipped out. Couldn't believe I was so "inconsiderate."
Even though their payment was a couple of days away.
"After all these years, I can't believe you're gonna make me submit a notice and charge me."
We did everything we could to accommodate our students at that time. We were lending out kettlebells and offering online coaching in the meantime.
(Good luck borrowing equipment from Gold's Gym)
It wasn't good enough for them.
"If you're gonna charge me... I guess I'm just gonna have to workout somewhere else."
I was PISSED.
Every curse word you can think of flew out of my mouth when my admin told me what they said. I told my admin, "just tell them to forget it. We won't charge them and please let them know to not bother coming back."
My admin did a much better job of communicating my emotional and reactional response. Where did this emotion and anger come from?
I knew exactly where, IMMEDIATELY.
I was "devalued," AGAIN.
And that's why I'm writing to you today.
So what happens when our father isn't around... when we grow up without him by our side?
His absence damages our psyche.
Our masculine energy is not developed as we're raised by our mother and other women. This leads to long term subconscious damage and internal resistance.
Young boys (and even grown men) become "people pleasers."
We want to feel valued--that we're important. To heal the violation of our psyche when our father left. Leaving us feeling and questioning...
"... Am I enough?"
"... Am I not important?"
"... What was it about me that caused him to leave?"
"... Was I not enough for him to be in my life?"
We don't look men in the eyes.
Pleasing others becomes our drug of choice to receive value. Even if it means jumping on the grenade and sacrificing ourselves.
Sacrificing our goals, happiness, and core values.
Further devaluing ourselves leading to self-sabotage and negative self-talk.
(And into the toxic cycle we go)
Or the opposite happens.
We rise above the wound.
We display to other men... we're an "Alpha Male."
We project anger to hide our fragile, core self. The next time we're devalued either from our spouse, close friend, or a customer.
We're instantly taken back in time to the moment our father left... the moment we felt insignificant.
To the feeling of being devalued.
And questioning, "Am I enough?"
Dude, I'm here to tell you.
God created you in his image.
And by virtue of your baptism... you're Priest, Prophet, and King.
Appreciate you taking the time to read this.
If any of this resonates, just hit reply.
Your brother in strength,
P.S. - When the father is remote... we lack proper initiation into our full manhood as our masculine frequency is still tuned to the feminine. It's up to the other men in the community to help us rise up.
To initiate us into the male world.
If you're a man who grew up without his father... who grew up without a gang of better men to help and support you... so you can become the man, husband, and father you've been called to be.
If you're struggling to find balance with work, family, and unlocking some personal alone time so you can get in shape & do more of what you enjoy...
I'd love to chat with you and see how I can help.
I've opened a few spots on my calendar the next 10 days for a 1 on 1 discovery call with you. Let me know what time works for you, and we'll make it happen.